♪ Thank you for being a friend
♪ Traveled down the road and back again
♪ Your heart is true
♪ You're a pal and a confidante
♪ And if you threw a party
♪ Invited everyone you knew
♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me
♪ And the card attached would say
♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪
Oh, Ma, did you eat all this candy?
I was lookin' for the prize.
Prizes are in Cracker Jacks.
Boy, you forget something new every day, don't you?
Card says these are for me. They're from Stanley.
"Roses are red, violets are blue.
I hope you enjoy this candy. It cost me 42."
You know - and I'm guessing here -
I'll bet you that Stan wrote this himself.
But it's sweet.
Yeah, real sweet.
What's that supposed to mean?
Ever since he made a fortune on that baked potato opener,
he's been comin' on to you like gangbusters, and I don't like it.
Not that I've ever actually seen gangbusters...
But I did see Ghostbusters. I didn't like that, either.
I mean, they couldn't give the black guy one funny line?
And how about that sequel?
Dorothy, what the hell were we just talkin' about?
Look, Ma, Stan and I have a long history together,
and it's nice that we're finally able
to talk to each other as friends.
Friends are one thing, but he's your ex-husband,
and you're givin' him the wrong idea.
That's bad news. I don't want to hear any more about this.
You and I can argue till the cows come home.
We're home.
Oh, what a day.
I wasn't able to get any work done today because of that new girl Abby.
I mean, she's constantly talking to me all day long.
And she never listens to me.
Do you know what it's like to be totally ignored?
So how was your day, Rose?
The truth is, she's a sweet girl looking for a friend.
And we do have a common bond.
She used to be a newscaster. Now she's just an assistant like me.
So there's this cognitive dissonance
between her actual and her ideal self
which causes her to be practically dysfunctional.
But of course, I'm no psychologist.
No, you're a nitwit.
How come you know those words?
Blanche, come on, it's not nice calling her a nitwit.
But since the cat's out of the bag...
How do you know those words?
I guess it's from reading The American Journal of Abnormal Psychology.
It's published in St. Olaf, you know.
In fact, my Uncle Gunther used to be the editor.
And what were you, the centerfold?
I'm sorry, but I refuse to believe
you have ever read a scientific journal.
Believe what you want. See if I care.
Hypersexual bitch.
Oh, there you are, Rose. Good.
Honey, I'm borrowing your earrings to go with this new outfit of mine.
Tell me I look stunning.
You look stunning. You're not just saying that.
No, I'm just repeating it.
Blanche, I need to talk to you.
Oh, OK. It's about a friend of mine.
I think she's taking advantage of me,
and I don't know how to tell her.
It's as if she doesn't care about my needs
just 'cause she's a lot younger than I am.
Fine. Keep your damned earrings.
Oh, no. No, Blanche, not you. Abby.
Oh, right.
I was thrown by the "she's a lot younger than you" part.
So what should I do? Say something to her.
Tell her you have to get something off your chest and put your foot down.
That girl thinks only of herself.
You're right.
Put my foot down.
Get it off my chest.
Hi, Rose. Where you goin'?
Dorothy, I'm going to get something off my foot.
Good for you, Rose. Careful of the carpet.
Blanche, I need to talk to you privately.
OK.
There's this person, someone I've known for quite a while,
and lately there seems to be this attraction developing,
an attraction I've been trying to deny.
Blanche, what are you doing?
It's a curse.
My beauty's always been a curse.
I'm sorry, Dorothy,
but like the fatal blossom of the graceful jimson weed,
I entice with my fragrance
but can provide no succor.
I'm talking about Stanley, you idiot.
Get outta here. Stan has the hots for me?
For me, not you, fatal blossom. For me.
We went for a walk this morning on the beach, and he told me.
Dorothy, this came for you.
Ah? Ah, it's from Stan.
It's steaks.
He sent me steaks.
He still has the wrong idea about you two?
Ma, it's nothing.
Dorothy, the man sent you meat.
Oh, I don't know. I don't know.
I mean, I really do want Stan as a friend, but just as a friend.
What was that lip lock you had on him the other night?
What's this?
Oh, it's nothing. I gave him a little kiss.
Trust me, that was no little kiss.
That was more like a dental checkup.
Your whole head was practically in his mouth.
All right, Ma. All right.
"A little kiss," she says. The man almost digested her.
It was like watching a Nova special.
Oh, all right.
When Stan comes over tonight, I'll talk to him.
I'll apologize to him for leading him on.
I only hope I don't hurt his feelings.
Well, there are worse things in this world than hurt feelings, Dorothy.
That's true, Pussycat.
As we say back in Sicily,
sticks and stones can break your bones,
but cement pays homage to tradition.
All right, Dorothy, I think it would be a good idea
if we rehearsed how you're gonna break up with Stan tonight.
OK, I'll be Stan.
I didn't know you were dating Stan.
I am not, and I don't need to rehearse.
Oh, I think it's a good idea, Dorothy. If you like, I'll be Stan.
Beat it. I already got dibs on Stan. You be Dorothy.
Don't be stupid. Besides, Rose ought to be Dorothy.
No, thanks.
But I'll play Stan.
Well, I'm not playing Dorothy,
although playing a sap on stilts would be a cakewalk.
No offense, Pussycat. None taken, you cankerous little prune.
(doorbell rings)
Hi, it's me - Stan. Am I late?
Not if you're willing to play Dorothy.
Come on in, Stan. You're fine.
Babe, you will never guess what I went out and bought today.
It's got whitewall tires, original upholstery,
and it's the same one we took to our senior prom.
Stan, that's impossible.
No, Dorothy, don't give up. We'll get this. Uh...
It's in the driveway right now.
1948, bullet-nosed and it says "Studebaker" right across the back
just like my old one.
OK, OK, no more hints.
Rose, head down. It's quiet time.
Stanley, what possessed you?
I love that car. All the memories we had in that car, huh?
The cruising, the drive-ins, the road trips.
And don't forget the accident you had in that car.
What accident? I'll give you a hint.
It cost me 10 bucks every Christmas
and still calls me "Grandma."
Well, let's see. Is it something that floats?
Come on, babe. Let's go for a spin.
Stan, there's something I have to talk to you about first.
We can talk in the car. Come on.
I'll get my purse. I'll meet you outside.
Dorothy, I'm not crazy about you going out with him this way.
Ma, I told you, we're just going to talk.
I'm going to explain to him that I am not attracted to him,
this is just a friendship and I'm sorry if he thinks it's more than that.
I wish I could believe you. Just be careful.
And remember what they taught you at parochial school.
Keep both your feet on the ground,
no patent leather shoes
and macaroni and cheese every Wednesday.
Thank you, Ma.
She's lost it.
My God, what are you kids doin' in there?
It's all right, Officer. We're divorced.
Are you still on the phone with Abby?
Blanche, I can't get Abby off the phone.
Tell her a St. Olaf story.
What'll that do? Give it a shot.
You know, Abby, something like that happened to me in St. Olaf.
Sure, I understand.
Yeah, this is a good time to replace the batteries in your smoke alarm.
That's odd. She hung up. (laughs)
Oh, Sophia, you're up.
Were we makin' too much noise?
No, I'm awake because I was feeling frisky.
What say we get out the Ouija board
and scare up our husbands?
Rose is still having trouble with that friend at work.
I can't just tell her to leave me alone.
Maybe someone else can,
someone who's more candid about their feelings.
Well, like who, Sophia?
Give it some thought, slut puppy.
You know, Sophia, actually, you're pretty straightforward.
It's a gift. So tomorrow at 9:00 I'll go to work with you.
We'll take care of it. Oh, thank you, Sophia.
You're welcome, Pussycat. I'm not Dorothy.
From now on I'm calling everybody Pussycat.
It's cheaper than buying new glasses.
Psst. She gone?
Are you just gettin' in? Shh. Yes.
Have you been with Stan all this time?
The car ran out of gas. Ohh.
I've used that a thousand times.
Dorothy Zbornak, did you do what I think you did tonight?
I don't know what on earth you're - yes.
I can't believe this.
How could you sleep with that man? She slept with him?
What did you think she did?
Well, she looks like she was pushing his car.
Oh, I don't know. I don't know.
He's just been so sweet lately,
and we were at the beach
in the same old car that we used to make out in,
and it just got to me.
It was exciting.
Dammit, Dorothy, if you'd have sex in public more often,
this kind of thing wouldn't happen.
Look, I'm mad enough at myself as it is.
I mean, Stanley Zbornak made me weak in the knees.
What, you think I'm proud of that?
Who made the first move? I guess I did.
It was dark, and Stan stopped the car.
I swear to you, I thought I was setting the parking brake.
Well, that's good. Safety first.
To make matters worse, the sex was incredible.
It felt real and familiar.
It made me feel like I've been kissing strangers
for the past seven years
and then suddenly tonight I was with a familiar
and I must say surprisingly agile old friend.
So what are you gonna do now?
Oh, you do have a problem, Dorothy.
How do you break off a relationship when the sex is great?
When the sex is lousy, it's easy.
Two more dates, and it's over.
Well, you know, just to make sure.
I remember the best sex of my whole life.
Was it difficult to get out of the relationship afterwards?
No, not really.
Poor Charlie died in the middle of it.
Was that really the best sex you ever had with him?
Yeah. There was something wild about him that night.
Although I did think it was strange
when he started yelling, "Rose, I'm going! I'm going!"
(sighs) Talk about your mixed emotions.
What was the best sex you ever had, Blanche?
Way to go, Rose.
Look, Blanche, it's late, there's only one cheesecake left,
so let's make menopause the cutoff point.
Best sex.
Oh, it's just so hard to rate these things.
There's degree of difficulty, style points,
choice of music...
Did they land on their feet during the dismount?
Different people have different strengths.
It's just impossible to tell,
but anything over a nine is excellent.
Over a nine?!
Points, Rose. Points.
Oh, Sophia, did we wake you again?
No, I'm up because I'm feeling frisky.
What say we get out the Ouija board -
Oh, Sophia, you already said that.
It's the middle of the night.
You want something fresh, turn on Letterman.
We were telling Best Sex Ever stories, Sophia.
Yeah, but now we're tired of telling them,
so why don't we go to bed, huh? No, wait.
It's a good thing I'm up,
because it so happens that I have a story for you,
the sex story to end all sex stories.
Sicily, 1922.
I stop by a little trattoria.
No, wait.
I'm thinkin' of the best meal I ever had.
(telephone rings)
I'll get it.
Hello.
Oh, yes. Yeah, hello.
Um, no, I'm sorry, I can't discuss that right now.
Yes, I enjoyed it a great deal myself.
Really? (laughs)
Yes. OK, the earth did move.
Big quake in California.
Yeah, we'll speak soon.
I look forward to that myself. Yeah.
Bye-bye.
Well, good night.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Why were we just telling our Best Sex Ever stories?
Gee, I don't - I don't know how it started.
Well, sure you do.
Remember? You thought you were grabbing Stan's parking brake.
Thanks, Rose.
Well, good night.
That was Stan on the phone, wasn't it?
Something happened tonight. All right, Ma, yes, I admit it.
I slept with Stan, and I should be ashamed of myself.
Are you this desperate, this pathetic?
Have you lost all your pride?
No, but keep it up. We're getting there.
This is unforgivable.
Look, Ma, I admit I made a mistake with Stan tonight,
but I will deal with it.
I mean, this isn't gonna ruin my life.
It was wrong, I know that, but now it's over.
It better be. I won't allow it, not while you're living in my house.
Sophia, this is my house.
It is?
Oh, right.
Then let me give you two words of advice -
enough wicker.
Sophia, I really appreciate you coming down here today,
but maybe I better give it just one more try with Abby.
Rose, you're wasting your time.
No, just let me try.
Then if you sense that I'm starting to pull back...
Here - just squeeze my arm. Gotcha.
Hi, Abby. Oh, good. You're here. I've gotta talk to you.
Me too, and I really want you to listen - What?
I'm sorry. I just can't get over how flabby this is.
Anyway, you know the station manager.
Well, he called me today, and there is this rumor that you're not -
Excuse me, Abby.
I'd like to inject some candor here.
I'd also like to inject a tranquilizer dart into your backside.
But my dart gun was confiscated
after the incident with the trick-or-treaters.
In my defense, it was dark,
and I was unaware of this Ninja Turtle craze.
But I digress.
So to be brief, Abby, shut up.
Get a life. Stop calling Rose.
She doesn't wanna talk to you, so leave her alone.
Thank you.
Is that what you wanted to say to me, Rose?
Well, I'm sorry, but I suppose so.
Excuse me. Can I get your attention, please?
I'd like to clear the air.
Don't look at me.
I haven't had a raw vegetable in six months.
That's Mr. Percy, our station manager.
Well, the secret's out.
Our consumer reporter Enrique Mas has announced
that he's leaving the show and moving on to the network.
But we feel we've found the perfect replacement.
She's dramatic, she's experienced.
Please welcome our new consumer reporter Abby Wolf.
If Abby is the new consumer reporter, doesn't that mean...?
She's also my new boss.
Boy, have you got some serious butt to kiss.
(laughs)
What's so funny?
Oh, Marmaduke. Look at how he drives that car.
I love my comics.
Every day, "Marmaduke" and "Apartment 3G."
I haven't read "Apartment 3G" since 1961.
Oh, well, let me catch you up.
It is later the same day.
(rings)
Hello.
Oh, hi, Abby.
I guess I owe you a little apology.
You do?
Well, yeah. I'll be right over.
Abby wants me to come over and help her get over her first-day jitters.
I know what you're thinking. She's too dependent on me.
But I've decided it's better to be flattered than angry.
And it's nice that she needs me.
Besides, I have other friends who pay attention to me.
Special friends. Friends like you.
Where's she goin'?
I don't think she said.
Where's who going?
Well, I guess I'll go read in bed.
Oh, no date with the missing link tonight?
Ma, I told you, I am not seeing Stan anymore.
I remember the tears that man caused me, the hatred I felt,
and I don't need that grief again.
Good, because I worry about you.
You're still my little girl, you know, no matter how big you get.
Aw, thanks, Ma.
By the way, how big are you gonna get?
Good night, Ma.
Finally. Where have you been?
Shh. I got away as soon as I could.
You do have the Studebaker, don't you?
Almost out of gas and ready to go.
If my mother found out about this, she would kill me.
I'm getting the feeling you're ashamed of me.
Stanley, don't be silly. Get down.
Stan, can't you even wait till we get to the car?
(helicopter whirring)
(man) My God! What are you kids doin' down there?!